I just hope it doesn't cause any permanent damage.
- So how long have you been here, anyway? - A while.
- You missed your prom? - Yeah.
- The thing is, when I made that bet - Ooh! Ooh!
There he is. It's Freddie. He's wearing a tux.
Hey, what's up? I met a whole other person inside of you.
I guess. There's a whole other person inside of both of us.
Would the whole other person inside of you
like to dance? - Oh!
Yes!
- Morning, sweetie! - Oh! Heh. Daddy! Oh!
- What are you doing in here? - What did I in come in here for?
It's her birthday, Dad.
- Oh! Happy Birthday, sweetie. - Ohhh!
- What's that buzzing sound? - I just...need a minute...here.
Maybe they're still doing that construction next door.
- Where's my little angel? - Uh!
Happy birthday, Honey.
Grandma? Grandpa?
Rosco! Uh!
Rosco, go!
- Hello, Janey. - Father O'Flannagan?
I brought some of your some special friends down from the center to wish ya a Happy Bithday!
- Happy birthday! - Janey's making silly faces.
It smells in here.
Okay, make a wish, dear.
No!
Let's begin now.
This is not your typical high school.
See, at John Hughes, there are no cliques, no exclusive social groups.
You're accepted for you are, not for who you hang out with.
Ok, we're gonna divide the tour into everal smaller groups so you can get to know some of your peers a little bit better.
Let's get all you big jockey guys over here to my right in one group
- and then get you slutty girls over here by me. - Slutty?
Hey, how you doing? Welcome.
And, uh, you losers, you guys should hang out in the back.
Hey! Hey! That clearly includes you. Come on, get back there.
Take a good look at the kid standing beside you.
They're your only friends for the next four years.
Okay, let's move it, people!
- You really need to start dating. - I don't date. You know that.
Oh, come on, Janey, you know Dad's rule
If you don't have sex, then I'm not allowed to.
Look, Mitch, I don't conform to typical high school norms, okay?
I read Sylvia Plath, I listen to Bikini Kill and I eat tofu.
- I'm a unique rebel. - Sounds more like you're a lesbo.
Hey, Mitch, now leave your sister alone.
Thank you, Daddy.
If Janey wants to be a rug-muncher, that's her decision.
Go! Fight! Win!
- Nice combination, Crissy! - Ohhhhhh!
- Ohhhh! Ahhh! - I've been meaning to get that fixed.
Later, Dad.
Hey, uh, I-- I might be late to pick you guys up.
Why? Do you have a job interview today, Daddy?
No, honey. I-- I'll probably just be way too drunk.
That's good. We don't want you to be drinking and driving.
Oh, I'll be driving. I'll just be too shit-faced to remember to pick up guys up.
Okay. Bye, Daddy.
Bye, pumpkin-head.
- Oh, my God! - Get out of the road!
Oh, my God, it's Jake.
- Hi, stud. - Hi, Jake.
- I love that thing with his eyebrows. - Those sideburns.
Oh, my God, there's Jake. He's so popular.
He just looked at me.
- Here. You can keep it. - Tiff.
Hi, Jake. It's all wet.
Melanie.
Hey, Jake.
Hey, Arthur.
Heeeeere's Ricky!
Hey, Ricky. What did you do this weekend?
Well, uh, Friday night I stood outside your window in the pouring rain
screaming your name for several hours.
And then I spent all Saturday and Sunday making you this great
Janey-I've-been-desperately-trying- to-tell-you-that-I'm
I'm-madly-in-love-with-you
uh, mix tape for your birthday.
A mix tape? Oh, that's so sweet, Ricky.
See you in English.
Catch you guy later.
What happening?
Damn, Shorty, Dog is pretending to be Asian and shit.
That cracker is white! Can't he see that, yo?
So? Did you guys get any action this weekend?
- I visit grandfather. - And I played tetherball at my sisters.
Jesus, we're pathetic!
How are we ever gonna lose our virginity by graduation?
- Uh, Mitch, we're freshmen here. - What's with the attitude?
- It's not easy to get lucky here. - Girls are sensitive, man.
They're not looking for sex. They're looking for love.
Uh! Love me! Oh! Harder!
Amanda Becker.
She is so perfect.
Keep dreaming.
What's up, Reggie Ray?
Man, I cannot wait til Friday night's game, y'all.
What about your head? The doctor said you had a blood clot the size of a grapefruit.
Five more concussions and...you'll die. You should probably take it easy.
- Don't listen to him, Reggie Ray. - Austin.
Mr. Not-First-String-Anymore, isn't first string anymore. Ha ha ha ha!
Besides we know what happened last time Jake here was calling the plays.
And now, our hometown hero
first-string quarterback, Jake Wyler!
Malik, could you hold these books here for a minute?
Sure. Why not? I am the token black guy.
I am just supposed to smile, stay out of the conversation
and say things like "Damn," "Shit," and "That is whack!"
What's she doing here? She graduated, like, four years ago.
- Hi, Jake. - Catherine.
Can I ask you a question?
Why is it every time I tell a guy they can put it wherever they want
- they always stick it in my ass? - Oh, damn!
That's just way too much information for me, Catherine.
Oh, no. Jake. Way too much information would be telling you
that after they're done I always take a huge dump.
Shit!
On their chest.
Oh, that is whack!
Priscilla, there you are.
Jake, I need some T-to-the-fourth-power-Y.
- Huh? - Some time to talk to you.
God.
It made sense to me, Priscilla.
You're leaving me for this guy?
I'm sorry, Jake. But we met over spring break.
I'm not ordinary.
You're leaving me for this guy?
His name is Les,
and he's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.
And so is his bag.
Janey Briggs, please report to the office. Janey Briggs, please report to the office.
I know that being a foreign exchange student can be a little scary
adjusting to a- a new school, and a new country.
But I think you're going to find that the students here are very accepting of who you are.
Well, you certainly have a sunny disposition.
So, you got your class schedule, right?
Well, isn't that wonderful?
Oh, Janey, come in.
Janey, this is Areola, our new foreign exchange student.
Areola, this is Janey and she is going to show you to your first class.
Hi.
I like your backpack.
Hey, dude, I heard there's an undercover reporter posing as a high school student.
Dude, no way, dude.
Uh, do either of you know where Mr. Keller's English class is?
- Down the hall, to your left. - Sweet, dude.
For the thousandth time, I said, "Swallow that thing."
Am I right?
How could Priscilla dump me, Jake Wyler?
I mean, who the hell does she think she is?
I got two words for you, Jake:
Prom queen material.
Austin, she's an illusion.
Okay, you take away the makeup, the clothes,
the way she wears her hair, the smell of her perfume,
that cute little face she makes when she's tonguing my balls.
Look, she's totally replaceable, okay?
Given the right look, the right boyfriend,
- any girl could be this year's prom queen. - Well, I smell a bet.
Okay, Jakey, Jakey, about to make a big
mistakey.
Here's the wager: I'm gonna pick the most hopeless girl at this school
and I'll bet that you can't turn her into prom queen.
You're on, Austin.
And I'll bet you that you lose that bet
but in doing so, you learn a much more valuable lesson and win.
In life, that is.
You're both on.
All right.
Let's find you a prom queen, Mr. Let's-Find-Me-A-Prom-Queen.
What about her?
So baby's got a little back. Hunch, that is.
No, way too easy.
I have no pigment
Any girl with a guitar is hot.
I need sunscreen
Granted, she's a hippie albino. She could still be prom queen.
What about the Fratelli sisters?
- So they're slightly disfigured and connected at the head. - Hi, Jake!
But combined, those two make up one pretty decent chick.
- Cha! I'd do 'em! - I know you would, Reggie Ray.
But, no, I'm looking for somebody who really messed up.
I'm talking about a real shitbomb.
Whoa. Whoa. Well. Bombs away!
No, no, no, no. Anyone but her! Not Janey Briggs.
Guys, she's got glasses and a ponytail.
Ah! Look at that! She's got paint on her overalls! What is that?
Guys, there's no way she could be prom queen.
Damn, that shit's whack.
Aim for the head!
Can you imagine what they're doing in there?
Holy cow.
Guys, get your heads out of the gutter.
It's just a girls' locker room. I'm sure it's no sexier in there
than it is in here.
Molly, can you help me take off my panties?
Hold on, Christie, I've got lotion all over my hands.
That's okay. You can just use your mouth.
Thank you, Miss Peters.
So
who would like to share their poem with the rest of the class?
Mr. Keller? Over here. Right here. O- O- Over here. Right here. Please.
Anyone?
Please pick me. I'm the one.
Yes...
Ricky.
- "Ten Things I Love About Janey." - Oh, not again.
By Ricky Lipman.
I love it when Janey talks, I love it when Janey walks,
I love it when Janey drinks, I love it when Janey blinks,
I love it when Janey says "Hi",
I love it when Janey says, "See you in English",
I love following Janey to the mall
And I love collecting strands
Of Janey's hair
And rolling them up
Into little Janey hairballs
Thank you, Ricky. For that interesting poem.
- You guys, I'm not sure we should be doing this. - Shh! Quiet! I think I hear 'em.
I can't believe what we just did all that stuff to each other, Molly.
It was a once-in-a-lifetime kind of experience, Christie, that will never, ever happen again.
Shit! We missed it.
Let's keep going.
Hey, I found a buffalo nickel!
Jackpot.
Mitch, girl go pee-pee not something I want to see-see.
I agree-gree.
Would you two please try and be a little open-minded here?
Class, let's open our books and continue with our poetry lesson.
You know what I think about poetry?
Oh, is that amusing?
Is that what your generation considers humor?
- This make me kind of happy in pants. - Yeah!
Goodness.
That make me kind of sad in pants.
Shakespeare, Molière,
Oscar Wilde.
These were humorists.
I'm gonna be sick.
The sublime poetic genius of a clever turn of phrase.
That is true comedy.
Heavens to Betsy.
Your modern day, moronic, feeble-minded, sophomoric excuse for wit
is merely a parade of nasty
filthy, vulgar
human excrement!
Excuse me.
- Hey, Janey. What's up? - Excuse me?
So, listen. Do you ever wonder what it would be like to be the most popular girl in school?
You mean anorexic, superficial, a bitch?
A whore who lacks any real long-term goals?
Exactly.
So, if you're interested, I thought maybe we could go out sometime.
Be seen in public together.
- You haven't spoken to me in like, four years, Jake. - Actually, it's more like six.
'Cause the time you were referring to when we were standing in line at that movie theater
I was actually saying "Hey" to the person right behind you.
Okay, e're down a cheerleader for Friday's State Championship game against North Compton
and that squad always tries to bring it.
- Bring what, Priscilla? - Bring it.
Right, but what is "it"?
It's just what they bring, okay?
New girl.
Hi, I'm Sandy Sue. And I just wanna say that it is simply swell to meet all of you.
Peachy. I assume you brought a routine?
Oh, you betcha.
Give me an "H", give me a "U"
Give me a giant pussy-licking, ass-fucker cock shit!
I'm sorry. Um, that was my Tourette's.
I don't know about her.
Okay. Let's get one thing straight. This is not a cheerocracy.
I am the cheertator.
I make the cheercisions around here, and I will deal with the cheeronsequences.
Now, if there are no more cheeruptions, we can cheertinue.
Thank you.
Grandpa stuck a finger in my ass! Cum face!
She'll cheer do. Great.
Goddamn it, let's go now! Thirty-two draw!
Goddamn it! Let's show some goddamn hustle!
Look alive out there! This isn't a goddamn tryout, you know!
- Goddamn it! - Blue 21! 21! Hut!
What the hell is going on?
Goddamn it! Nobody's covering that hole out there!
Goddamn it! Let's do it again! Come on!
Crowd: Marty! Marty! Marty!
All right, Marty.
- Get your stumpy little ass in there. - Are you sure, Coach?
Just go, goddamn it.
Wyler, we got this goddamn game wrapped up.
All you gotta do is run out the clock.
For God's sakes, don't try anything fancy!
Goddamn it.
Alright, listen up, boys.
We got time for one more play.
- I say we get the ball to Marty. - Huh? - Damn.
No, that's okay. I'm just happy being on the field.
But, Jake, Coach reckons we oughta just take a knee. We're up 42-nothin'.
Well, I don't care what Coach reckons.
Look, you can't go through life being scared, Marty.
'Cause if you do, you'll always wonder, "What if?"
But if you go out there and you give it your all
that's heroic.
Really, guys, I appreciate this, but--
- That's the spirit! Ready? - ALL: Rah!
What are you doing, man? Get out of here.
Not here, Marty. Down there.
Over here, right?
What are you doing, man? Over here! Over here!
Here?
We love you, Marty!
Set, hut!
No. No.
No, don't throw it to me.
Noooo!
- Nice hands, Marty! - I did it.
- I'm a hero! - Walk it off, Marty!
All right, goddamn it! Let's hit the showers, goddamn it!
Bunch of candy-asses. Lousy practice!
We'll gonna get our asses kicked Friday!
Coach, what about fourth-string? I didn't even get to practice.
Wyler, after all the goddamn shenanigans you pulled last season
you should be thanking God you're still in goddamn uniform, goddamn it!
If my parents find out I got detention, they're not going to let me eat dessert for, like, a week.
We've disgraced ourselves and our families.
Guys, guys, guys. Im sensin' the morale's a little low here. I say we make a pact
right here, right now.
Before the end of the year, we all get laid!
Mitch, we always make that pact.
But we've been waiting for this moment since we hit puberty.
- That was two and a half weeks ago! - I just got first hair on ball.
Guys, I don't think you understand what I'm saying.
I'm talking about becoming the masters of our sexual destiny.
No longer will our penises remain flaccid and unused.
No longer we steal Grandfather's porn.
Yea, yea! No longer will we wear blindfolds when we're jerking each other off.
All right, that's it.
What in God's name's going on in here?
- What was that ruckus? - I no hear ruckus.
- I was just in my office. I heard a ruckus. - Can you describe this ruckus, sir?
Oh, you better watch your tongue, young man! You better watch it!
We were just sitting here like we're supposed to.
I don't want to hear it, mister. You just bought yourself another detention.
- That's not fair. - Cry me a river, dickface.
- You bought yourself another one. - Eat my shorts.
What was that?
Eat. My. Shorts.
- Don't mess with a bull, young man. You'll get the horns. - I'm shaking.
- You just got another. - Good!
- You through? - Not even close, bud.
- You want another one? - Yes.
- You got it! - Good.
- That's another one. You had enough yet? - No.
- That's another one. - So?
- You just way the word. I'll keep going. - Go!
- Eeny, meeny, miny-- - Mo.
- Your mother was a-- - Ho.
- He was a famous clown. - Bobo.
Mitch, cut it out!
- That's another one for you. - But I was tellin' him--
That's another one!
- So, that make one more for Ox or for Mitch? - Another.
- I confused. - Shut your hole, Wang Chung.
I got all three of you guys for the rest of your natural born lives. You're mine.
- Next time, I'm cracking skulls. I'm cracking skulls.
Oh, God, Dad. How many times have I told you I'm not going to Princeton?
Listen, I'm not pressuring you, son.
All I'm saying is give it four years.
If you don't like it, there's always a job waitin' for you at my firm.
I don't want your life!
That's okay, son.
I heard about what happened between you and Priscilla.
The good news is
I've got the perfect rebound girl for you.
Really?
Beverly! Could you come in here?
Dad, that's Mom!
What do you say, kiddo?
I'm just gonna leave you two alone.
Make me proud, son.
So, you in love?
- Yeah, I think I am. - Well, who is this guy?
His name's Blane. He's a senior. He's so beautiful.
Janey? Sweetheart?
Hi, Daddy.
Is something wrong? You were awfully quiet at dinner tonight.
Daddy, you were passed out on the table.
Listen, honey,
I may not always be coherent or conscious
but I know when my little girl's got something on her mind.
Well, there is this popular boy, Jake.
Ohhh, sweetie.
Jake knocked you up, didn't he?
- No, he asked me out. - Oh.
Oh. Well, do you like him? Are you attracted to him?
I mean, would you give him head?
Well, he is kind of cute, but
he's always been a total jerk.
It's just so weird that he would start talking to me now.
Especially after you've packed on a couple of pounds.
W- What do you think I should do?
Look, sweetie.
I would never, ever want you to do anything that compromises who you are
because you're very, very special to me.
If Jake character is only asking you out to get into your pants
well, then I'd say
go out with him.
I mean, let's be honest. You could certainly use the popularity points.
And if Jake really likes you
then maybe those kids will quit throwing bags of shit all over the porch.
Ah, I feel better.
Um, thanks for the advice, Daddy.
That's what I'm here for, pumpkin-tits.
- Catherine. I need to ask you a favor. - It's about time.
No, not that.
Listen. You're the cruelest girl in high school.
You're the only one who can help trick Janey Briggs into liking me.
Whoa. You don't mean that girl with the glasses and the ponytail, do you?
Don't forget about the paint-covered overalls.
Well,
it's going to be difficult.
But I think I can help you.
Sit.
For a price.
And this time, I don't want your car.
I want you.
Ugh! Catherine, that's disgusting. You're my sister!
- Only by blood. - Oh God!
- What is wrong with this family? - Hey, do you want my help or not?
Okay. There are three things you need to do
to have Janey eating out of the palm of your hand.
First, you're gonna have to earn her trust.
Come on, guys, leave him alone!
Hey! Come on, guys, back off. That's enough, okay?
You little shit.
Don't you guys mess with him again.
Catherine: Once you've got her trust, it's time to make her feel special.
Pick a song with her name in it. That always works.
Janey's got a gun,
Janey Briggs' got a gun.
She's got a gun! Janey's got a gun!
What?
Janey Briggs' got a gun.
So run away, run away from the pain
Take it easy, miss.
- No! Wait. - Hey! Get back here! C'mon!
Run away from the pain
Hold her down.
- Give me your hand! - Just give us the gun, Janey.
Catherine: After you've succeeded in making her feel special
it's time to put the icing on the cake.
I'm really glad you showed up, Janey.
Listen, Jake, the only reason that I came here was to tell you just-- to leave me alone.
You know, I was just making a snack.
You want one?
- No. L- Listen, Jake-- - I'll be right back.
But I--
Hungry?
I don't like sundaes.
Oh, it's not a sundae. It's a banana split.
I don't like those, either. Goodbye, Jake.
Now, Preston, I left some money on the kitchen counter.
Ooh, and the emergency numbers are by the phone.
And remember, son: No parties.
I know, Dad. I know.
Keg's coming through. Hey, Preston.
What's up, man?
We're really trusting you here, Preston.
- Where do you want these speakers set up, Preston? - I gue--. Just move all the shit in the dining room.
Well, you guys should hit the road. Huh?
'Cause I'm about to take your antique Ferrari to the inner city to buy some hookers.
Well, all right, Sweetie. We'll call you later to check in.
Oh, Mom. At that point, I'll be so high, I won't even know where the phone is.
Ha! Ha! That's my boy.
Jake, what are you doing here?
I'm taking you to Preston Wasserstein's big party.
I can't.
I- I'm not dressed to go to a party. L- Look at me. I'm a complete mess.
I'd say you're one big fucking train wreck.
Do I know you?
That's it. I've got it.
What?
It might seem crazy, but you're just gonna have to trust me.
That's it.
I did it, I'm a miracle worker.
Gentlemen,
may I present to you the new and improved
Janey Briggs.
Congratulations. You just got your first slow-motion entrance.
I'm okay! Heh.
- Janey? - Ow!
Come on out of there, honey. Quit fartin' around.
- Got your mom's car keys? - Check.
- Sleeping bags? - Check.
- Condoms? - Check.
Three pubescent libidos that will take us on a series of wacky mishaps and wild adventures?
Check! Road trip!
We here.
Gentlemen, tonight we are going to our first big high school party.
Now, if there is any place to buzz the Brillo, this is it.
How you plan on buzzing Brillo?
With this letter. Now Amanda Becker will finally know the truth:
That I have loved her since the first time I saw her.
Welcome to the party, guys.
Oh, if you gonna have sex, please, do it in my parent's bedroom.
- Does that girl go to our school? - Janey Briggs! - It's like, not even the same person.
Janey-stainey-stained-pants-overalls? Oh my God.
I can't believe you talked me into this.
Priscilla must be freaking out now that Janey's lost her glasses and her ponytail.
Well, I'm going to go fuck a complete stranger. I'll see you guys later.
- Hey, I'm a complete stranger. - All: I'm a complete stranger.
Relax, all right? It's gonna to be okay.
Nice turtleneck.
Sooo, what's your name?
Ooh, why, I'm Sandy Sue. Limp dick fag fucker!
Okay, who told you that? Was it-- was it Alison?
Because Alison was really bitter when we broke up and--
- 100% completely fake. - I agree, that is not her natural hair color.
- Oh my God! I can't believe she's wearing the same outfit as me! - It looks much better on you.
Where is she? I thought she'd be here by now.
- What's going on? - Shhh!
We can't talk until she starts moving again.
She took forever this time.
What are you doing here?
What do you mean?
Well, I'm supposed to be the only black guy at this party.
- Ohhhh! Heh heh! Damn. Shit. - Yeah, I know.
Both: It's whack.
Hey, man, my bad, man.
- Take this. - Thanks.
Do your thing.
- Peace out, brother. - Hey, honest mistake.
Hi, my name is Catherine.
Yeah, I know. We just had sex five minutes ago.
Not scoring any cock, either?
Cock? I've never even been kissed.
What up, my yellow brothers? Chinks in the house!
Reggie Ray, have you seen Janey anywhere?
It's a good night for smoking.
Ain't that right, Sausage?
Okay, now close your eyes and wet your lips.
- Are you for real? - Do you want to learn or not?
I guess.
- See? That wasn't so scary. - It was nothing.
Okay,
Let's try again.
Only this time, I'm gonna stick my tongue in your mouth.
And when I do that, I want you to massage my tongue with yours.
- And that's what first base is. - Okay.
Eyes closed.
That was cool.
Now,
have you ever eaten pussy before?
You call this a party?
I'm a golden goddess!
- Show us how drunk you are! - Go for it!
You're a unique rebel, Janey!
Janey, are you all right?
- I told you not to let me drink. - Janey, I gave you a nonalcoholic beer.
What the hell are you doing here?
I-- I was invited.
Look, you may have lost those glasses and that ponytail thing you do
but to everyone that matters, you're still a loser.
Look at that. Oh, my God. Oh, oh oh!
Oh, that's gonna stain.
Oh, you're not going to cry now, are you?
Look, you can't just start a slow clap at any old time.
You gotta wait for the right moment.
But how am I going to know when it's the right moment?
Oh, you'll know.
Nobody's allowed down here.
Listen, Janey, I just thought
How did you get in here? I deadbolted the door.
There's a hole in the side of your house.
Who's that?
- It's my mother. - You have her eyes.
She died when I was six.
Oh. I'm sorry.
I remember it like it was yesterday.
Christmas, 1989. Dad had just gotten fired from the zipper factory.
Mom was pulling in tricks to make ends meet.
- Daniel Day-Lewis won an Oscar for My Left Foot. - Hmm.
And all I wanted was a little Betsy Wetsy dolls.
I remember those. You push her belly, she'd piss all over herself.
She said she was going out to get my dad a bottle of gin,
but, I knew she was going to get me that present.
It was raining really hard that night
and the roads were slippery.
Oh, God, Janey. A car accident.
No. Cancer.
It was so hard. I had to take on all of her responsibilities:
The- The cooking and cleaning and breast-feeding Mitch.
Oh, Janey, It's in the past now. You gotta start thinking about your future.
I mean, look how talented you are.
I have this dream of one day just hopping on a plane and going to Paris.
There's an art school there, but I can't afford it.
Unless I find some way of raising $26,000 before the admissions cutoff.
Oh my God, Janey. Do you realize my parents give a scholarship to a girl who can't get into art school every year?
Really? That's amazing!
This year we gave it to Lupe Rodriguez, the Mexican finger painter.
I think you'd really like her work.
Sometimes I- I just wish my life was a fairy tale
and some guy would just come and take me away from all this.
- I was- I was, my-- - Yeah--
- My eyes were shut. - And we couldn't even, yeah. Totally.
I'm gonna, I'm gonna
- I'm going to go. - Okay.
Congratulations to the men and women nominated for prom queen.
You think you're gonna be Prom Queen? Well, think again, Janey.
because you put the "ass" in "embarrassment." The "boo" in "taboo."
And the "suck" in "liposuction."
Is that the best you can do?
No.
You also put the "brat" in "bratwurst."
And the "eew" in "jujitsu."
And the "ism" in "This is all just a defense mechanism."
So I told her, I said, "You take the old lady and send your mama back here."
So, Wyler, you asked your four-eyed circus freak to the prom yet?
We resent that! God!
Look, why don't you just drop it, okay, Austin?
Whoa! Looks like, uh, Jake here's made a few paint stains in his pants thinking about Janey.
It's just a bet. Okay, man?
You always did have a thing for butt ugly girls
Mr. I-Have-a-Thing-For-Butt-Ugly-Girls. Right?
Are you talkin' about Janey?
'Cause I saw her last night at the party, man, and she was lookin' as good as a dumpster full of gristles.
Bling-bling.
Janey Briggs
is hot.
- Hey, Janey. - Oh! Hey, Jake.
Listen, I've been doing a lot of thinking and the thing is,
there's something that I want to ask you.
I don't wanna make a big deal of it and drag it out
so I'm just gonna lay it out there, okay?
Here it is.
See, I don't like making big speeches.
I'm a straight shooter. I- I- I call them like I see 'em.
W- W- What you see is what you get.
Ain't nobody gonna break-a my stride. Ain't nobody gonna slow me down. Oh no!
Jake, are- are you trying to ask me to the-- ?
Yeah.
I'd love to go with you.
- Great.
I'll see you in English.
All right! It's time to play some football!
Tonight, the John Hughes' Wasps defend their title against the North Compton Wildcats.
Goddamn!
Wow! That was the fastest first half of football I've ever seen.
Don't think you foolin' us, because we saw you at our practice and I know you stole our routine.
'Kay, I don't know what you're talkin' about. Because we've always done our own cheers. Right, girls?
Girls: That's right!
Well, then, you better bring it.
Oh, it's already been broughten.
Nice comeback, Priscilla! Yeah!
We are the North Compton Wildcats
We're black, we know it
We shake our big booties and show it
We ain't white, we ain't white
We definitely ain't white Break it down, niggas
Damn, those bitches represent!
- Hey, Reggie Ray. - I smell a bet.
You all right?
Coach says it's all right to bleed from the ears.
I gotta go back out on the field.
- All right, just be careful. You know you only have three--
Two concussions left. Reggie Ray.
And we're back.
Let's go, Wasps!
Blue 33! Set!
That's defense right there, baby.
Say "G'day" to Reggie Ray.
Sit down, boy. He just got the wind knocked out of him.
- Come on, Reggie Ray, get up! - Reggie Ray.
You still have another concussion!
C'mon, big dog!
It doesn't look good, Coach.
- Can he play? - He's in a coma.
Answer my question! Can he play?
I don't even think he can breathe. We gotta get him to a hospital immediately.
You listen to me right now!
I don't care what you have to do! Reggie Ray stays in the game, goddamn it!
Holy shit, this motherfucker's heavy.
Blue 15!
Set! Hut!
Goddamn it, Reggie Ray!
Oh, shit.
Wham, bam! What the fuck just happened?
Okay, Wyler, I got no choice. You're the only quarterback I've got left.
- I say give the ball to Marty. - I'm just happy being on the field.
- You'll always wonder, "What if?" - I'm a hero!
Wyler, goddamn it! Get your pansy ass in the game! You're our only chance, goddamn it!
You're our only chance!
- You're a pussy, Wyler! - Do it for Marty's torso!
You got butterflies, huh?
Who are you?
I'm the wise janitor.
I'm here to impart knowledge. Help youngsters overcome their fears.
I also replace the sanitary cakes in the urinals.
But right now, I'm here to help you get your throw back.
- How did you--? - I've been watching, kid.
During practice, in the hallways, in the locker rooms, taking a shower
whipping other boys with a wet towel. Mm!
- I can tell you kind of like that. - Whoa! Hey! Let's get back to the throw, okay?
Look, that thing that happened with Marty? It wasn't your fault.
Really?
Okay, it was your fault. But the point is, you got to get over it.
I mean, it could've happened to anybody.
Anybody that disobeyed the Coach's orders and the team wishes,
and threw a bullet pass to a slightly retarded 90 pound kid who should have never been on the field in the first place.
Whoa! Stop! How is any of this supposed to be helping me?
You're right. Forget about what I said.
The main thing, you got to go out there, believe in the ball and throw yourself.
You can do it.
I'm going out there.
Only 25 seconds remaining, and the fate of the season
rests in the hands of fourth-string quarterback Jake Wyler.
Translation: We're shit out of luck.
- Give me a "W!" - W!
- Give me a "Y!" - Y!
Give me a "Lick my pussy ass cock shit!"
Lick my pussy ass cock shit!
Blue 83!
Am I too late? I reckon I'm feeling much better.
Set! Hut!
Oh, shit. Uh.
That has to be the worst pass I've ever seen. Ever.
What the hell was that?
Jake?
Jake.
Hey.
- You did great out there. - I blew the game, Janey.
I let everyone down.
It's just a football game, Jake. Besides,
you didn't let me down.
Really?
Jake, you've taught me to be myself.
You never saw me as the girl in glasses and a pony-tail.
Don't forget the paint-covered overalls.
Right, you never noticed those either.
You taught me a lot about myself too, Janey.
Oh, Jake. Nothing could ever come between us now.
Jake Wyler.
So congratulations, man. You just blew my perfect season.
- Señor You-Blew-My-Perfect-Season. - What do you want, Austin?
A life.
And payback.
- Come on, man, don't do this. - No, man, I think I'll hang around.
Maybe tell Janey a little S-E-C-R-A-T-P--
What's going on?
Austin.
Austin, this isn't funny!
No.
I don't believe it.
All right! Janey, I said I could turn you into Prom Queen but thats when I thought you were just ugly Janey Briggs,
you know, the girl with no friends who was dirt poor and smelled a little funky.
Look, I made a mistake.
If I could go back now, I never would've made that stupid bet.
What bet?
Whoa. I never said anything about a bet.
All I said was:
"I'm pretending to whisper a big secret in your ear
so Jake here thinks I'm telling you a big secret
which will cause him to break into a hysterical confession
where he actually reveals a big secret, thus confirming everything I just whispered in your ear."
I wish I didn't make that bet
That's not the guy I want to be
If I could just turn back the clock
Then Janey would still be with me
Tell me, Mom, what should I do?
I love this boy
But he has been untrue
I'll do my best to make things right
I wish we could resolve this fight
- It could happen - It could happen
- At the prom tonight!
I'm getting pussy no matter what
Even if it with dirty slut
True love is what I want the most
I just jerked off in your French toast
So what if we have the same mother
Tonight I'm going to fuck my brother
In a few hours I'll be Queen of the Prom
I've been an alcoholic Since my first tour in 'Nam
I asked Janey to the prom And she doesn't know why
I'm only in the song Because I'm a black guy
I have no money I have to make my own dress, ah!
Look at me, my breasts are perky, yes
I'm gonna win her back No matter what it takes
Here I go, I'm gonna forget about Jake
Prom tonight Do do do do-do
Ohhhhh!
It's gonna happen, gonna happen gonna happen, gonna happen
At the prom
Tonight!
When I was a freshman, I threw 176 touchdown passes.
My sophomore year, I ran 14 in on my own with a sprained ankle
a broken phalange, a ruptured duodenum and a subdermal hematoma.
I bet she great bonk.
Excuse me, Bruce? No, no. You do not bonk Amanda Becker.
You make sweet, sweet love to her.
Amanda Becker's like a flower.
You smell her.
You touch her gently.
You admire the beauty. You watch it blossom.
And you thank God he created something so perfect.
Go to her.
Be strong, Mitch!
What do you expect from me?
- Do you think I'm just gonna have sex with you? - No! No, no, you- you don't understand, I-.
Because I am some kind of cheap slut.
I don't screw every pathetic guy that gives me a letter.
I give them handjobs.
- Want to dance? - Only if we're horizontal.
I totally heard that.
We're dancing.
It's funny, isn't it?
You would never suspect that everyone at this school is a professional dancer.
Oh, God. No.
I want to do it right here on the dance floor.
Janey!
Don't you forget our deal. She wins, you're mine.
And now the moment every popular guy who's made a bet
to turn a uniquely rebellious girl into prom queen has been waiting for:
The announcement of this year's Prom King and Queen.
This year's Prom King is
Marty!
Jake Wyler!
Way to go, Jake!
This year's Prom Queen is
You got it, Priscilla!
- It's in the bag, Priscilla. - I don't believe it. It's a tie.
A tie?
- Holy shit! - Oh my God!
Your new Prom Queens are
- Kara and Sara Fratelli. - Fuck.
- Oh my God! - They deserve it!
Congratulations!
Okay, there we go! Your King and Queen.
I say we make like a tree and branch
out of here.
All right, Kara and Sara.
Now, it is traditional for the King and Queen
- to share a ceremonial dance. - Come here.
You smell good.
Janey!
Malik, do you know where Austin went?
All I know is that he rented a room at the Sunrise Motel. Room number six.
It's the one right past the ice dispenser. If you hit the Pepsi machine, you went too far.
Oh, and the door will definitely not be locked.
That's all I know.
Thanks, Malik.
You know, you're an intelligent and insightful human being who doesn't get the respect and attention that he deserves.
Wow! You really mean that, Jake?
That's great, man! Because I've always wanted to discuss with you the repercussions of the ramification--
Crap! I actually got to go. Sorry.
Motherfucker.
Hold it right there, mister.
I am not going to let you hurt Janey again, okay? Besides, I love her.
Well, so do I.
Yes, but I'm the best friend, and I have been in front of her face the whole time
and she just- she just hasn't really realized it yet, but she will.
I'm the reformed, cool guy who's learned the error of his ways.
She's gonna forgive me for my mistakes and realize that I really love her.
Damn it! That's true.
Why's this door locked? It's a fire hazard!
Get out of the road!
Hey, watch it, man!
She's not attracted to you!
She doesn't love you!
Ah, you'll never be more than a friend!
Two dollars!
Ice dispenser.
Six.
Oh, yeah! I'll make you forget all about losing Prom Queen.
Tell me who your daddy is now! Can you tell me who your papa is?
Get off her, man!
Priscilla.
Don't move.
- What the hell is going on in here? - Something beautiful.
- Where's Janey? - Little Miss Run-Home-To-My-Daddy
ran home to her daddy.
- That's for taking Janey to the prom. - You put the--
- That's for hurting Janey at Preston's party! - This is really turning me on.
That's for being really weird.
Thank you.
I don't know what that was for.
Hello.
Hi.
I never thought I'd hear myself say this, but
for once, I wish I could meet a nice, sensitive guy
who wanted more than just sex.
That is very admirable.
For once, I wish a guy would take me out for dinner.
I feel the same way.
And for once
I wish a guy would take a dump on my chest.
That is appalling!
That really upsets me.
I can't believe nobody's ever taken a dump on your chest.
Will you be that guy?
It would be an honor and a privilege.
Janey!
Hello?
Is anybody home?
Get down! Enemy fire!
Mr. Briggs?
Mr. Briggs, excuse me, sir. Do you know where Janey is?
She went out there. On her own. There's Charlie everywhere.
Right, uh, do you know where she went?
Couldn't take it anymore. Went to the airport.
Something about Paris. Her tour is over.
Paris. Thank you, sir.
I need ammo! I can't hold them off much longer!
Off the road, you glasses and ponytail freak!
Two dollars!
- Two dollars! - Two dollars!
Next stop, airport.
The red zone is for the immediate loading and unloading of passengers only.
No parking.
Your attention, please.
All 1986 red Porsche 944's parked in the white zone will be towed immediately.
Paris Air, Flight 805 to art school in Paris
from Gate 122, is now boarding.
Excuse me! Everyone!
There's a girl boarding a plane right now to Paris that I love.
And if I don't get there in time and tell her how I really feel
I may never see her again.
Go get her, son.
Good luck, young man.
- Go get her! - Go for it.
Oh, hell, just go.
Freeze, bitch!
You're bleeding on my suitcase.
Excuse me!
Excuse me, everyone!
There's a girl about to board a plane to Paris right now that I love and
We already heard that one. Asshole.
This is the final call for Paris Air Flight 805 to art school in Paris
departing from Gate 122.
Janey!
Hey, shithead, that's mine.
- Come on, give it back!
Just believe in the ball, Jake. And throw yourself.
- Yes! - Nice shot, Jake.
- Jake? - Janey. Thank God I got to you in time.
Listen to me. I'm not going to let you get on this plane and go to Paris.
- This is the final call - Why not?
for flight nonstop to art school in Paris.
So if you're trying to find the words to stop a girl from leaving, now would be the time.
Janey,
I made that bet before I knew you.
Before I really knew me.
Oh, Jake.
Okay, hold it right there.
Tell me you that you didn't just quote Freddie Prinze Jr.
I knew it. That was a line from She's All That.
I masturbate to that movie.
Uh, do you mind? I'm--
No, not at all. I think masturbation's very healthy.
Janey, you told me you couldn't believe in someone that didn't believe in you.
Well, I believed in you. I always believed in you.
Oh, Jake.
Oh, God. I can't believe you fell for that crap.
- That's from Pretty in Pink. - Are you sure?
Trust me.
- Excuse me. What are you doing? - Let me give you a little piece of advice, here, Jake.
Why don't you lose the I'm-The-Cute-And-Sensitive Popular-Boy-With-The-Big-Sideburns routine.
It's just too pathetic.
And for once, tell Janey what's true in your heart.
Stop being such a little bitch.
And you, Janey. Little Miss Other-Side- Of-The-Tracks-Awkward-Rebel-Girl-With- The-Pseudo-Intellectual-Glasses.
Why don't you wise up to Jake's bullshit. Stop being such a dumb-ass.
She's right.
- Janey. - Yes, Jake?
- Maybe you should get on that plane and go to Paris. - Huh?
Well, you know, I mean if you stay, we really only have the summer and
Then I go to college and we'll talk on the phone and we'll spend the occasional weekend together.
Which is nice.
But chances are, one night I'm gonna get wrecked and have unprotected sex with some girl in my dorm.
You'll find her thong and call me a slut.
I'll call you a cocktease and we'll break up.
So when you really think about it, what's the point?
Well, that wasn't exactly the kind of truth I was expecting.
Doesn't mean I'm not gonna fall for it. I mean, how big of a dumb-ass do you think I am?
You obviously stole that speech from Karate Kid.
- No, actually, I-- - Shh!
Jake, it's okay.
I love you too.
We all know where this is going.
Fucking teenagers.
This is it.
The right moment.
Son of a bitch!
Betty,
meet Apollonia.
We're going to have a three-way.
Sun's burned my cornea
I can no longer see
I'm not kidding Somebody please fucking help me
Quick! Grab her guitar.